Where there is resentment - there is discontent, and where there is discontent - there is suffering and patience of another instead of love!
Many people want to be open with a partner and that at the same time be fascinated by a partner and the desire to explore it - in transactional analysis this is called intimacy, and in ordinary life - love or love.
And if we get it in a new relationship, with a new partner, then we are absolutely naturally grateful to the partner for such communication - it's so cool - this is what you can dream about! Is not it?
Intimacy, or openness with a partner and the desire to discover it for yourself, are parallel transactions between the Natural Children of both partners.
If this phrase is not clear, then let's get acquainted with the theory necessary for its understanding.
Theory: ego states and transactions
Next, I briefly discuss the theory of ego-states and transactions from transactional analysis.
A parent is an ego state copied from parents or other significant figures in childhood.
An adult is an impartial ego state, a computer that collects data about the world with the help of the senses and processes them logically and, if necessary, predicts the development of the situation.
The child - in this ego-state you move, speak, think, feel, perceive the world in the same way as you did in your childhood before the age of 7.
The child is characterized by a thin, childish voice, lowered head, raised eyes, fidgeting and rocking on the chair, jumping, clapping, loud laughter and screams.
The child is divided into Adaptive and Natural Child.
The Adaptive Child is the ego states in which you were in response to the ego states of your real parents, that is, those ego states that are now "stored" in your Parent.
The Natural Child is the only part of the person who knows how to enjoy life, it is the source of spontaneity, sexuality, creative change and joy.
The Natural Child is also responsible for the connection with the body, for the desires of the body.
A transaction is a unit of communication, which consists of a stimulus and a reaction.
For example, the stimulus: "Hi, how are you?", The reaction: "Hi, Okay."
During communication (exchange of transactions), our ego states interact with the ego states of our communication partner.
There are three types of transactions:
Parallel - a transaction in which a stimulus emanating from one person is directly complemented by the reaction of the other.
For example, the stimulus: "What time is it now?", The reaction: "Quarter to six." In this case, the interaction occurs between people in the same ego-states (Adult).
Crossing - the direction of the stimulus and the reaction overlap, these transactions are the basis for scandals.
For example, the husband asks: "Where is my tie?", The wife with irritation replies: "I always have everything to blame for!".
The stimulus in this case is directed from the Adult husband to the Adult wife, and the reaction is from the Child of the wife to the Parent of the husband.
Hidden - these transactions take place when a person says one thing, but he has another thing in mind. In this case, the spoken words, tone of voice, facial expressions, gestures and relationships often do not agree with each other.
For example, a man on a date suggests a woman to go to his house to watch a movie or read a book (Adult-Adult), passionately kissing her while (Child-Child).
Hidden transactions are the basis for the development of psychological games.
Love and resentment
Let's now return to the offense and what happens when it arises between partners.
So, intimacy, or openness with a partner and the desire to discover it for yourself, are parallel transactions between the Natural Children of both partners.
It is believed that over time, the desire to be open with a partner and be fascinated by others is eaten by everyday life, although they are eaten not by life, but by guilt and offense. And it is the one who takes offense, begins to destroy these important for both partners relationship.
Resentment does not allow you to become closer with your partner - like already the body is ready and socially acceptable to approach, but resentment and pride do not allow this rapprochement to happen: why?
Resentment is anger at others for not behaving in accordance with our expectations!
That is, resentment is the feeling of a manipulator for the fact that the other has not succumbed to his manipulation.
And in this manipulation it is expected that the other should experience the guilt through which the "offended" and get what he really wants: an "obedient" partner.
And if the other is not ready to be obedient, then the manipulator becomes even more offended, strengthens his resentment, that is, anger at a partner for his freedom and independence!
And then the offended person has the last ultimatum: does he value me? And repels the partner, even if the body, that is, the Natural Child wants to be with him (and it can be seen right away through the body)!
But manipulation is more important:
if the partner has not succumbed - has left, then he is a "goat",
and if he has not left - then the manipulator internally ceases to respect him, and already his Natural Child is not interested in him, since the other acts not out of his desire to be with him, but from his guilt.
And in both cases of true intimacy - the end, but the manipulator gets "power" - it is about such relationships say: they were destroyed by everyday life.
Although it is not a matter of everyday life, but of resentment and guilt - in the desire to control one's partner.
